Have you ever experienced a total emotional block?
Where you feel absolutely nothing?
And all you want is to just feel something?
But you’re just…numb.
I don’t think this had ever happened to me until this year. I am a very private person and tend to focus on comforting others rather than consoling myself, but I wouldn’t say I’m shy about my emotions. I would say, though, that I am stubborn about my emotions.
I am very, very prideful. It’s not exactly a good quality. I truly realized how much pride I had last month, when Ariana died. Even though I was at home when I received the news, attended her funeral, and mourned with my other classmates, it didn’t start sinking in until I got back to school. I felt nothing but emptiness. My bucket had a hole in the bottom, and it felt like I couldn’t receive or give any love. A few friends in particular were being amazingly supportive (and I probably wouldn’t have survived those two weeks until Christmas break without them), but all I wanted to do was turn away from them and be on my own. I knew that since I had people around me, I should be with them and allow them to comfort me. Honestly, that was the hardest part for me. I had become so accustomed to dealing with things on my own that I was reluctant to receive consolation from others. All I wanted was to stay happy and make everyone else happy. Was maintaining my reputation as a happy-go-lucky girl so much to ask?
I taught myself a lesson during those weeks between our Thanksgiving and Christmas breaks: it’s okay to be emotional. Shedding a tear or two and allowing myself to process what had happened needed to happen. If I continue to bottle things up and keep it all to myself, I would dig myself into the same hole I did sophomore year. I don’t want to go back there, and I don’t have to. The friend group I’ve established at school is downright amazing and I know I can go to them for anything. While it might take some getting used to (hooray, only child syndrome!), and require me to abandon my pride, I’ll be doing myself a huge favor by making those sacrifices and teaching myself how to open my heart and be vulnerable with others.